The other night I was cooking dinner for my roommate
And while waiting for the water to boil I just casually checked the Okcupid app
And someone had answered “yes” to the question “are you disgusted by the extremely obese?”
Like, whatever, yes I know Okcupid is a fucked up place with awful representation and I should not take one persons opinion so seriously
But it just hit me so hard
People are so conditioned to hate fat people and so few ever challenge it and it’s just, like, fuck
No wonder I never want to leave my apartment
Because I’ve learned to read between the lines of what people say and I know that means most people have already written me off as a person
Most people would either want me dead or not give two fucks if I was alive or not
And after living so long it just seems like such a goddamn uphill battle when your humanity is stripped and questioned and denied at every turn on so many levels
And most days I recognize that loving myself is powerful and revolutionary the power it gives me
And some days I’m just standing in my kitchen and the world infiltrates me and I’m cut back right down to fucking size
So I just wish that power wasn’t necessary.
Some days I wish I could give up on trying to feel validated.
Some days I’d just settle for not being hated.