I have been thinking a lot about accepting the reality that, realistically, I will probably never have a partner, and trying to let this affect my self-esteem or self-image too much. I have been trying to separate my desire for that validation from my self-worth. I am trying to see myself the way I see my friends who I am totally and completely in love with and honestly believe that no one will ever be good enough for them and recognize that this is why they have such a hard time finding partners. I am happy by myself most of the time, but whenever I get a crush it all turns to shit and it takes me a long time to recover.
I hate that I can be as in love with myself as possible, and think I’m cute as fuck, but there is a complete and total disconnect when I’m faced with the possibility of another person finding me genuinely attractive. It might be unfair but I place so much responsibility on this on my body and it’s created a resentment for it that I in turn resent and feel guilty for. And as much I can understand that the reaction my body gets from people is not a reflection of my body’s inherent worth, it, again, only goes so far most days.
My birthday is at the end of the month. Since my late teens/early twenties this has always been a really fucked up time for me when I stress out about how old I’m getting and how much time I’m wasting not accomplishing anything or being loved. And then every year after my birthday I would feel really good and optimistic about the coming year but after years in a row of the same shit I have given up. That hasn’t quite hit me yet this year. Maybe it’s because I’m getting to an age where I forget or don’t even care how old I am, or maybe I feel good because I finally feel like I know what I’m doing, what I want, and trying to accomplish it. Or maybe it just hasn’t come yet. But, still, the more time goes on the more I just feel like damaged goods and am sure no one wants to invest the time in me. And I keep getting proven right and still don’t have any answers.
Someone on OKcupid sent me this after me venting my frustration about some events I went to last week: “You are not jaded or old- just revolutionary. Don’t forget it. :) We are the dreamers and the believers- that is special and we’re here for a reason. ” It’s about the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. But still, what does he know?