I have had this saved on my computer for a week and couldn’t decide what to do with it, but I have to get it out. We haven’t talked in awhile, and I’m not sure how much of that is deliberate, and if it is, I can’t really say I blame you. I’ve stayed away to give you the space I thought you may have needed and in that time, I have spent a lot of time trying to process and deconstruct my feelings for you, because I know their intensity make no sense, even to me. Some days are better than others, and it is definitely a process, but it’s getting better I think. Not in the Dan Savage way though.
I think it’s hard to understand without knowing my history, and I will spare you the details—I kind of doubt you even care, honestly—but I think it is safe to say that I unconsciously projected a lot onto you and put a lot of stake into our relationship—more than I should have, which was not fair to either one of us. A lot of that, I think, was out of how refreshing it was to meet someone like you. Because of my situation and not really knowing what I wanted or how to find it, I didn’t and still don’t know many radical people, outside of the internet (Tumblr), and meeting someone I felt like I was pretty much on the same page with was really exciting and enthralling for me. Meeting you, I think, helped radicalize my politics even further, and I am grateful for that. Still, I wonder if I may have even created an idea of you that doesn’t even exist. Either way, in retrospect, it was silly of me to think you could even entertain the idea of me. So unfortunately, I think this meant that you got caught in the middle of my many neuroses.
I feel awful that these things got in the way of our friendship (or at least, I assume they did). I don’t want to put you in any more uncomfortable situations, and it may even be unfair of me to bring this up, especially right now. I enjoy having you as a friend and don’t want to do anything to further jeopardize that, and again- I understand if things are too uncomfortable for you. These things have just been on my mind a lot lately.
I don’t know why I’m posting this. Again, I never know what I expect, and I don’t even know if you’ll see it. But what it boils down to is that I have been sad about you for months and I want it to end. I’m lead to believe that you mean much more to me than I do to you, that I think of you much more often than you me, and that may be neither here nor there. But if you’re indifferent about having me in your life then I can’t help but wonder if it’s worth the pain of having you in mine.
