looking at pictures of me not taken by me recently and thinking it’s so weird how i look so much different in these pictures than the way i see myself
and i can initially be appalled at the way i look and sometimes a little disgusted and i feel justified in not feeling/being loved/being deserving of love
and i can try and check that body shaming bullshit but it creeps in
but the more i look and really try to see myself it doesn’t feel so bad
had some body politics conversation tonight, and it was cool and everything
but the acts of reclaiming space for your body, body affirming activities, etc, feels so much more complicated for me. almost impossible.
in my daily life i try to show as much of my body as possible, and i view this as acts of resistance, and think about how even last semester i was too uncomfortable to wear a tank top to school and now there’s hardly been a day when i haven’t, and that is progress i suppose
but there is so much that feels too personal, too private, too disgusting and undesirable to subject others to
and it’s fucked up to think of your body as something you subject others to. but i have such little reason to not think of it this way. and it’s fucked up.
i want to love my body. i want everyone to love their body. i want the world to be a body affirming space. mostly i just want it to be possible right now.
but it’s just so fucking complicated.