embracing the ugly
something i have been thinking about a lot lately is the double consciousness of being a fat person— or, at least, my own double consciousness as a fat person.
even when i have not always been in a good place with my body i have always thought i was, to some extent, really cute. which is kind of fucked up, in that i feel like my reasoning behind that was “i am fat but i am still cute so it’s okay”, which is FUCKED and i’m really ashamed of that. there are no qualifiers on bodies, ever ever ever.
and now i can look in the mirror and think i’m cute as fuck but recognize that there is a disconnect with other people— that they usually do not see me the way i do. but it hadn’t really occurred to me until recently that they see me as ugly.
and that perception of ugliness has severely impacted by experiences in the world. my self-image only goes so far and does not compensate for the limitations received in my ability to go out into the world comfortably, to be seen as a competent and qualified employee, friend, lover, partner; in short, to be seen as a person.
and (i’m really pulling from mia mingus here), but i am questioning the importance of beauty. saying everyone is beautiful in their own way, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, everyone wants to be beautiful, etc. is unsettling for me recently. saying these things, holding these thoughts, still empowers beauty, of whatever standard, to be a qualifying factor. it does not go far enough to question and dismantle the institution. what the fuck is so great about being beautiful, anyway? like all other hierarchical institutions, we shouldn’t be rearranging and adjusting to allow ourselves in. we should be dismantling the institution of beauty entirely, rejecting the idea that it is a qualifying standard for humanity. because there will be always be people and bodies not allowed in to the club, and that fight will never be over. we should be embracing our ugly with an extra helping of and fuck you too.
because maybe i am ugly. and maybe that’s okay. i am working on being okay with that. i am working on being magnificent.